I miss Grandma the most on stressful days. Whether it was a long day at work or something more stressful - she was always a phone call or short drive away. She always calmed me down and took my mind off of the things that were bothering me. I always tried to appreciate my time with her, but I think it's just a fact of grief that you will feel remorseful about some things you didn't quite appreciate as well as you should have. I never truly appreciated the small conversations we had. I never truly appreciated the times that she would call me, worried, if I forgot to call her when I get home (and I'm speaking even of my late 20's here.) I never truly appreciated our morning conversations over coffee while I was living with her. I never truly appreciated the fact that she had sacrificed so much of her life to raise me. I loved her more than I've ever loved anyone - but I could have loved her more. What I regret the most is not appreciating the time we had before she died. In April, when we found out she was really dying, I was in such shock and disbelief. I regret not letting her talk to me about it more. She would say to me, "I'm dying you know." I would always change the subject. The morning that she went to Hospice, she asked me if I would be okay without her. I wish I had been more honest with her, but I told her I would be okay. It was the biggest lie of my life. I regret not telling her that I knew she was dying and I was going to miss her more than anything in this world. I wanted her to think she had raised me to be strong and I wanted her pain to come to an end but I hope she knew how loved she was. For years, I tried to prepare myself for losing her. I imagined the scenarios in my head. I imagined myself telling her goodbye. I imagined being with her as she took her last breath. I never imagined that I wouldn't be able to let her go. How do you let go of someone when you feel like they were the only thing you had to hold on to?
October 10, 2015
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