I miss Grandma the most on stressful days. Whether it was a long day at work or something more stressful - she was always a phone call or short drive away. She always calmed me down and took my mind off of the things that were bothering me. I always tried to appreciate my time with her, but I think it's just a fact of grief that you will feel remorseful about some things you didn't quite appreciate as well as you should have. I never truly appreciated the small conversations we had. I never truly appreciated the times that she would call me, worried, if I forgot to call her when I get home (and I'm speaking even of my late 20's here.) I never truly appreciated our morning conversations over coffee while I was living with her. I never truly appreciated the fact that she had sacrificed so much of her life to raise me. I loved her more than I've ever loved anyone - but I could have loved her more. What I regret the most is not appreciating the time we had before she died. In April, when we found out she was really dying, I was in such shock and disbelief. I regret not letting her talk to me about it more. She would say to me, "I'm dying you know." I would always change the subject. The morning that she went to Hospice, she asked me if I would be okay without her. I wish I had been more honest with her, but I told her I would be okay. It was the biggest lie of my life. I regret not telling her that I knew she was dying and I was going to miss her more than anything in this world. I wanted her to think she had raised me to be strong and I wanted her pain to come to an end but I hope she knew how loved she was. For years, I tried to prepare myself for losing her. I imagined the scenarios in my head. I imagined myself telling her goodbye. I imagined being with her as she took her last breath. I never imagined that I wouldn't be able to let her go. How do you let go of someone when you feel like they were the only thing you had to hold on to?
Regret
October 10, 2015